Being chronically ill in the age of resistance.

I’m worn out. Mentally. Physically. Drained.

Not more than anyone else. I get the times we’re living through right now. None of this is normal. We’re all feeling depleted.

It’s in a different way. Beyond the emotional and mental burden of everything happening in the United States right now, my immune system has been firing at insane rates again, and my body is breaking down. Again.

This isn’t new. This happens in cycles, multiple times throughout the year.

Right now it’s happening because my body has been fighting strep throat for 11 weeks and my system is dragging, all of its attention on this bacteria and none of it’s normal attention on making sure my body can function “normally” alongside autoimmune disease.

I was actually far sicker this past summer. But right now? Right now it feels more intense.

At a time when I need and want to be standing alongside my friends, going to protests, making sure I’m being a strong ally, and making sure I am on the right side of history? I want to be anywhere but stuck in my apartment, trying to nurse my body back to a place where I can participate.

I am so tired of being sick. To my soul. To my core. Exhausted.

And it is extremely hard to not feel immensely guilty for not participating at the level I want to. At the level I see others participating.

I know how many people are going to marches and protests between long shifts at work. I know how many people are choosing to skip meals to donate to others in need.

But I’m also painfully aware that I cannot give from a cup that is empty.

Excruciatingly aware.

Like, my body could fully dive-bomb at any moment, aware.

So this is just to say, to my friends who are being amazing and using their voices in momentous ways – I know that I’m not there. I’m not standing beside you. I wish I was. I wish my body would let me right now. I’m so proud of you.

And this is to say, to those of you who are also sick, it’s more than okay to take care of yourself first. Know that whatever you’re able to do is enough. Use your voice as you can. Share information. Check on your friends. Let them check on you. We’re all going to jump in as we can. I know that. You know that. That is enough. You are enough.

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